by Suzanne Havala Hobbs, DrPH, MS, RD
Q: I'm a vegetarian, but my boyfriend is not. Going out for dinner every night isn't an option, and we don't have time to make two separate meals. What advice do you have for those of us in "mixed culinary relationships"?
A: If the issue were as simple as "he likes chunky, and I like creamy," the answer would be easy: Keep two jars of peanut butter in the cupboard.
But it's not. If you're a vegetarian, chances are statistically high that your significant other isn't. You've already learned that people with different eating styles face challenges, only one of which is figuring out what to make for dinner. How you respond to those challenges can have a substantial effect on the health of your relationship. In your case, here are a few ideas that may help.
- Find the vegetarian "least common denominator." Draft a list of entr?es you can both enjoy that also happen to be vegetarian. Examples: bean burritos, pasta primavera, stuffed shells, vegetable lasagna, vegetarian chili, mushroom pizza, and soups such as lentil, split pea, black bean, broccoli, minestrone and potato-leek. You might even consider meals that are vegetarian as prepared—such as stir-fried vegetables—but to which nonvegetarians can easily add meat if they choose.
- Add some "transition" foods to your repertoire. Meatless burger patties and soy crumbles, soy "hot dogs" and breakfast links and similar products that look like familiar meat-based foods often taste great and appeal to many nonvegetarians. (In fact, the companies that make them usually target health-conscious non-vegetarians as well as the vegetarian market.) These foods can be used in the same ways as their meat counterparts, making it possible to have burgers on the grill and beans and franks. You can also make pasta sauce and chili with soy crumbles instead of ground beef.
- Go ethnic. Experiment with Indian mutter paneer (curried vegetables with cheese over steamed basmati rice), Spanish vegetable paella or West African peanut soup. Many ethnic foods are vegetarian and may appeal to both of you. If you like, test the foods at a restaurant first, decide what you like, then re-create those dishes in your own kitchen.
Beyond meals, you're also going to have to decide whether—and under what conditions—you'll have meat in your home. For instance, do you mind the smell of meat cooking? Would you mind if meat touched your pots and pans or dishes? Maybe meat cooked outdoors on a grill would be acceptable to you. Maybe you and your boyfriend could agree to bring only precooked meats, such as deli meats or roasted chicken, into your home, and serve them on disposable or separate plates.
How the two of you deal with the food issue may be different from how another couple approaches the problem. Whatever you decide to do, though, negotiate and compromise until you find a solution that you both can live with.
Q: It would be a whole lot easier if we ate the same way. How can I encourage my significant other to go vegetarian?
A: Keep in mind that arguing and cajoling are seldom effective at motivating other people to go vegetarian (or to make any big life change, for that matter). In fact, pushing and prodding may backfire and create resentment and conflict. Instead, be a good model of the behavior you'd like others to adopt, and you're more likely to get somewhere. For example, if your partner isn't ready to make the switch, quietly go about your lifestyle, and let your actions speak for you. Chances are good that your significant other will notice, get interested and maybe come around, at least part of the time. Play it cool, let others observe you enjoying good food, then let them choose for themselves.
Of course, if you want to entice someone over to the vegetarian side of the table, a little marketing wouldn't hurt. Go a little out of your way to make your food look extra enticing. (Garnish, anyone?) Solicit input from your significant other—and kids, if you have them—on what you'll make for dinner. If others have a hand in the planning and cooking, they'll be more likely to enjoy the meal. Just be yourself, and teach by example.
Q: Dealing with a partner who eats differently than I do is one thing, but it's even more complicated when kids are involved. As a vegetarian with a nonvegetarian spouse, how do we deal with the issue of what to feed the kids?
A: First, it's important to point out that vegetarian diets can be healthful for children of all ages and can help establish eating habits that support good health into adulthood. The Vegetarian Resource Group (vrg.org) has some helpful online resources that focus on the health and nutrition aspects of vegetarian diets for kids; it also provides help with meal planning.
If it's important to you that your children eat only a vegetarian diet, you'll have to work out the terms with your partner. (If you have difficulty doing that on your own, a third party, such as a family counselor, may be able to help.)
You can also use the "least common denominator" approach for family meals. There are plenty of kid-friendly vegetarian foods, such as macaroni and cheese, alphabet soup, meatless pizzas, omelets and baked, stuffed potatoes.
You might want to make a rule that meals at home are vegetarian, but at a restaurant or a friend's house, it's every man, woman and child for him- or herself. That approach is especially practical when it involves children old enough to make food choices on their own.
Some families include meat in one dish but also serve plenty of meatless dishes and salads. Everyone can choose for themselves what they prefer to eat. Above all, don't push or go overboard in your eagerness to get others interested. Others will respect you for—and maybe even come to share—your choice.
Article by Suzanne Havala Hobbs from Vegetarian Times, February 2006.
Copyright© Vegetarian Times. Reprinted with permission.
Adrian (11/24/2010 16:26:26 PM)
My boyfriend initially scoffed at my quasi-vegetarian diet, but was open to trying new things. He has found some things he likes and some things that he doesn't like. I agree whole heartedly with the above advice. You can't force your lifestyle upon somebody, but I also believe the point of a relationship is to grow and experience new things. Some things I've learned: Meat eating is somewhat psychological. There seems to be some mental block about vegetarianism, like it is not manly or something. So even if a guy mostly eats PB&J, grilled cheese sandwiches, omlettes, ramen, and mac & cheese, he will object to officially being a vegetarian. So I agree with focusing more on dishes you like to eat that happen to be vegetarian than labeling it or trying to convert someone. Focus on practical and concrete benefits that matter to your significant other. My boyfriend likes that eating a more vegetarian diet, overall, is cheaper (if you eat from a wide variety of protein sources not just Morningstar). He also used to work a meat counter (part of his love for meat) and has said that meat does not hold up well after being frozen. The meatless products, according to him, store better and so are more practical for most meals. He also likes that most of the meatless options are easier and more convenient to prepare (pre-cut, shorter cooking times, pre-seasoned). More seasoning is key. Recently he observed that the meatless products and preparations that taste the best seem to be the ones that use the most seasoning, such as the sausage crumbles. I have to agree and would say that I too have noticed this for not only meatless options but lower fat/calorie options as well. He likes spicy and well spiced things anyway so it's not a big deal to eat meatless when combined with bold spices. It helps to eat meat sometimes. My deal is to reduce the amount of meat that I eat to ideally only once or twice a week. This makes eating out and eating with others easier. Also, it allows us to indulge by eating carnivorous favorites that meatless products just can't substitute, like beef stews and steaks, when the mood strikes. After all, we live only a few blocks from the store and either one of us is free to swing by and cook a meat-centric meal at any time. What is interesting is that this does not happen all that often, even though there is no prohibition against it.
Fadriena (08/31/2010 13:21:59 PM)
I am a vegetarian (or pescetarian ( fish no meat) as ive learned here), my husband is not. in the begining it was difficult preparing meals but now it works well. if i want something that comes in a larger portion like spaghetti or chilli i will cook the noodles and sauce, or the beans and ground a small pan of meat to add to the bigger pot after i fix my plate. We always have lots of veggies and rice or potatoes and ill sub the meats for the two of us. like an earlier postrer ill cook an entire package of meat then freeze what i dont use so the next time he wants chicken with the rice and veggies ive cooked its as simple as reheating. I love the morningstar products and dont know if i would have survived vegetarianism 20 yrs ago. oh and we eat a LOT of seafood so we only have to cook one meal!
Jewelcharmer (06/19/2010 14:16:05 PM)
I have been a pescetarian ( fish no meat) for 17 years I consider it an Alaskan?Vegetarian/Mediterranean diet. I ate the fish that we would catch, such as salmon, halibut, cod, shrimp and king crab. I limited my fish intake to once a week, and this satisfied my body. My husband and daughter (currently 24) were meat/ fish eaters. I had no trouble making meals that were meat and vegetarian especially after finding morning star farms products. After I was vegetarian for 2 years my husband wanted to lower his cholesterol just as I had when switching to a pescetarian diet. He lowered his cholesterol and body fat and has maintained our life style with me for 15 years. We had another daughter (currently 11) that is pescetarian and feels she will continue the life style. Currently my oldest daughter (24) and her two sons (ages 2yrs, 6 mths) are living with us and enjoying a carnivorous life style. While my husband, myself and youngest daughter enjoy the pesceterian way of eating. I find it amazing how many of the same meals we share from the same pot by simply adding animal meat/veggie meat in separate bowls before serving. We have a happy home with every belly full, of what it needs.
Poo (06/15/2010 20:45:19 PM)
So the other night I made fantastic roasted veggies and long grain and wild rice. My husband was in charge of the grill, covered with chicken, pork, and a little corner that had a Morningstar Farms Italian Soy Sausage on foil in the corner. We were all happy and enjoying the "same" meal!! This is a natural occurance at our house, since I've been a vegetarian for 27 yrs, and that's the only way my husband has known me to be. We both enjoy all of the "to-go-withs" and work together on our respective proteins.
LeHund (05/23/2010 16:14:42 PM)
I want to comment to Little Tree, from one poor person to another, I know things are tight. But I did the math. When you buy meatless burgers you eat less of them than real meat. If you buy the really good burger 7% or less, check the price, compare how much meat you are getting for real. After it's cooked. I found that most of the time I was spending around the same amount or less. Also find some places that sell local produce. I found that after I gave up meat, I started to eat more vegys. They fill you up without a lot of extra calories. You don't have to buy all organic, but I find that they are cheaper than shopping at the big stores. I hope this helps. I know what it's like to feed a family on a shoe string budget.
DMC1989 (04/14/2010 20:46:23 PM)
In our house I just cook meat for my husband and son and cook up something from Morningstar Farms for my daughter and I. My husband and son do like some of the products though, we only have the Morningstar Farms strips and sausages, never buy the meat versions at all.
Ivy (03/31/2010 14:53:12 PM)
I'm new to the vegetarian lifestyle and am glad that I found this site and read this article. It seemed like a big challenge that I was taking on, having a husband and two children who are so used to eating meat all the time. That other people have faced the same thing makes it seem like it will get easier for us. It is my choice to change the way I eat, and I'm not going to force it on them, but hopefully it will introduce healthier foods into their diet by seeing me enjoy them. Thank you!
Emie (02/06/2010 06:24:57 AM)
My husband is not vegetarian and I am. I usually cook vegetarian meals for us, and if he wants some real meat, he will grill or cook his own pork chops, steak, or hot dogs.
Becky (02/01/2010 22:24:28 PM)
We have this problem in my house. My partner believes "no meat, no meal". I usually will make some meat and keep it a part from my part of the meal. I like some of the ideas that are given here and plan to try a few. Thanks.
Robin (01/30/2010 18:49:15 PM)
Thanks for a thoughtful article. As a non vegetarian it helps me understand and respect some of the issues vegetarians face. We should all be respectful of each others choices. It is okay to attempt to persuade, but respectfully and without condemnation.
jackie (01/30/2010 12:54:08 PM)
I'm not nor is my family vegetarian but am very interested in the site and comments. I had angioplasty a few years ago and would like to cut back on the meat that eat. Thanks for the great articles and comments.
Karisa (01/29/2010 22:34:11 PM)
I'm a vegetarian, but my husband is supportive. I do occassionally make something with meat, but it takes extra time. Honestly, they don't usually even miss it, especially when I make veggie burgers. My kids like them, too. We'll see once they get older!
Kerry (01/23/2010 09:21:58 AM)
I am a vegetarian and my husband is not. we have a daughter that is vegetarian. The way we came to an agreement is that when she is old enough to choose i will not object to her changing her mind and eating meat. Lucky for me she has a big heart for aniamls and at age 4 is already telling her daddy " daddy thats yucky, why do you eat dead cows?" Now two vegetarians in the house out number the one meat eater! He actually doesnt ming eating meat free, he gets meat when we go out to a resturant, and i will get it for him on special occasions. One win for vegetarians!
namaste (10/02/2009 13:22:44 PM)
it's pretty easy to make the same dishes with meat and without meat. If you want chili, you just make 2 pans - one with fake meat - one with real meat. All the ingredients are the same, so prep is the same. Live and let live. You chose to be vegetarian, not your significant other. Would you not feel pretty pissed off if your significant other decided you were going to eat meat? It's your right to choose, not to choose for others.
Damon (01/17/2009 16:25:08 PM)
I agree with the article: I "quietly" went about my lifestyle and let my actions speak for themselves. It was not long before my partner noticed all the great meatless dishes I was preparing. He is now pretty much meat-free and LOVES Morningstar Farms products. I have found that just about any recipe containing meat can be "converted" using Morningstar Farms Meal Starters crumbles.
Katie ( (01/16/2009 15:10:08 PM)
My partner was really surprized and pretty unhappy when I told him that I was becoming vegetarian. I was shocked by his somewhat angry reaction :0. Now that a year has passed he has calmed considerably and 90% of the time consumes the same vegetarian diet as me ...even when we eat out! He now sees that vegetarian does not means unsatisfying or deprived, and in fact we eat more whole foods and healthy meals now than ever. :)
ikey (10/14/2008 10:04:53 AM)
I used to eat Morningstar farms products but now I have become gluten-intolerant and all your food seems to contain wheat gluten. Do you have anything that I can eat?
Cindy (09/05/2008 08:53:06 AM)
My husband is ok with eating less meat and doing all veggie meals. I buy him a 10 lb bag of leg quarters and boil it take it off the bone and make him chicken salad or chicken and noodles. Sometimes I grill half of the chicken and bake the other half, enough so he can heat and eat for the next 3 days. It helps to have a cooperative husband!!